下面的几则英语笑话从不同的角度展示了英语的一些典型语言特征。第一则是针对英语自相矛盾的构词法，第二则是针对名词复数变化规则的不规则，第三则是针对英语的音素与词形的匹配规则，第四则是针对英语那个著名的四字词的离奇诠释，第五则针对的则是语言与规约的问题。后面那几个简短的笑话是针对什么的，大家看完之后想想吧。希望大家笑过之后能够对英语这门有意思的语言形成更深一层的理解。
[1] English language
The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
[2] The Funny English Language
No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn.
I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,
So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.
[3] New Language For Europe
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that english spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5 year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish.
The agreed plan is as follows:- In Year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter. ('ch' will remain the same).
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.
By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving more keyboard spas). Duringze fift year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer combinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrion vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
.....ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!!!!
[4] The Word FUCK
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...
Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
Disgust "Fuck me."
Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
Despair "Fucked again..."
Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost "Where the fuck are we."
Disbelief "UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
Directions "Fuck off."
Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Mother fucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...
"What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" - Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun." - John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" - Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." - Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive." - Commander of Space Shuttle
"What fucking map?" - "Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck." - Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" - Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." - Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." - John F. Kennedy
[5] Inappropriate Language
A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.
As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed. "Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We understand you're upset, but must you use such language?" "My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed. "Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun scolded. "If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if you didn't help us." "I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the trucker replied. "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say something like 'Dear Lord, help me'." Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out "Son..." but quickly caught himself and said, "Dear Lord, help me." At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.
Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
[6] Short Jokes about Language
Three EFL students are walking down the road to their remedial listening comprehension workshop. "It's windy" says the first. "No it isn't, it's Thursday" says the second. "Me too." says the third, "Forget the listening, let's go for a drink!"
A student, who is studying English as a foreign language, was confused when he saw the words "open here" on a box of laundry soap, so he asks the clerk, "Can't I wait until I get home to open it?"
My student who did not speak much English wanted to impress me one day. She had to walk past me while I was talking to someone. She said, "Excuse me, can I pass away?"
English Teacher: "Johnny, the clock on the wall is not working, but you have a watch. What time is it?" Johnny: "2 o'watch."
